![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
i don't understand
Mar. 5th, 2005 10:22 pmi don't understand why i can't take conflict, why i turn into a shaking mess when there's conflict around me. in speech class on friday the class blew up into a screaming yelling shouting argueing fight. at first i tried just covering my ears so i wouldn't have to listen. i curled up in my desk like that, just staring straight down. but it didn't work i strting shaking really bad, and then i broke down in tears. i wasn't even involved in the argument and i broke down in terars and couldn't stop. i just sat there shaking and crying until the yelling stopped. then i still couldn't stop, so i went over by Q and sat down on the floor next to where she was typing her poems on Jonesy's computer. she knows i can't handle conflicts. she just let me sit by her and she played with my hair. for some reason that always feels calming. after like 45 min or an hour i finally managed to stop...mostly. unfortunately it was like right as the bell rang. we went to the bathroom so i could try and kinda clean up, i gave tj a hug on the way out of the room, he had jonesy next bell. so i got cleaned up and we came back to get our books and a pass. tj got my books for. i was still shaking so bad. jonesy talked to us out in the hall, he wanted to know if there was anything he could do, and what was wrong and stuff. i told him, or tried to tell him, how i can't handle conflicts. Q helped because as soon as i tried to start talking i started crying again. i didn't even know i could get this shook up about something like that. he asked if i wanted to go see mrs v., but i couldn't because she's not there on fridays. i would have if she had been there. so we got our passes, stopped for a second clean up run in the bathroom, and went to class. Q, i love you, yuo're the greatest. i got to german and friedmann could tell i'd been crying. my eyes were completely red and my face a lot too. he didn't even check my pass and offered for me to go sit for a while in the back room if i needed to. i decided not to, becuase it'd be better if i had my mind on something else anyways. i still couldn't keep tears from leaking out, but i did manage to get ahold of myself by the end of class, although i was shaking for most of the day.
i went to ben's after school and we watched i robot. i feel special because i analyzed the movie. the whole thing was an allegory to communisma dn the russian revolution. there was the red army. there was the czar. there were the rebels. there was even lenin, stalin, and some leninistic quotes. ben helped me with the finer details because he knows a lot more about communism and the russian revolution than i. but i pointed it out and started analyzing. *happydance*
i went to taekwondo after dinner at ben's. friday's are school shirt day, so i wore my SMAA shirt instead of my gi top. it was nice. not all the sweatyness and grossness, well, not as much anyways. we worked on forms, and i learned my new self-defense numbers. i helped jill with learning kibon 3. all in all, it was a really good work out.
then i went back to ben's house and we started wataching little black book. we got maybe halfway through, but it was really boring and altogether too dramaish. so we switched to comedy central, then to csi. it was the episode about vampires. i'd herad about, but never seen it. i never watch csi except when i'm over there. in fact...i think i rarely ever watch anything except when i'm over there. i occasionally watch a movie with my parents, but that's about it. so anyways, i got home about 12:30, 12:45. Appareantly when i told my parents i wouldn't be home terribly late, they misinterpretted that as meaning i'd be home early. i got home about the same time i always get home on weekends. i don't see what the big deal was. oh well, they didn't yell a me, just sounded kinda miffed with maybe a little disappointment. i'm not to worried over it.
this morning we went up to OSU for bio sci day. driving up there was horrible. the roads were just one big sheet of ice. we literally saw an accident or a car in the ditch every 100 yards for a long ways. one car even crashed into a car dealership. talk about bad luck and never being able to afford your insurance again. anyways, the actual program was really boring. me and claudia ditched after the first sitting. we explored campus. we went into larkins hall, and the kukki taekwondo club i want to join was testing for belts today. so we watched that for a little while. it looked good. i'll still do some looking around once i start, but it looked good. we went in the library and the student union and into a shop with clothes and supplies and textbooks. then we went into some bio building looking for our parents and kinda looked around in there. when we found them again we went to the insect lab and got to hold these freaky austrailian praying mantis'. they were so cool. we also looked at tarantulas and scorpians and hissing cockroaches. then we went to the greenhouse and saw some exotic plants. that was cool. overall the day for claudia and i make us realize we don't really want to major in bio. dad says i should, and should trying doubleing in german. i guess i'll go ahead and start out that way, but i'm not sure if i'll last. i'm worried about the chem. but everyone we've alked to tsay just take the regualr level course and stick it out, and you'll get through it. people say that the first 2 years are hard, and after that all your electives open up and the classes get easier. so i'll give it a try.
when i got home i called ben to see if he wanted to come over, but he couldn't because of the little cousins at his house. some we're going to hang out tomorrow when he's done with church. mom wanted to know if we wanted to go polevaulting tomorrow at the clinic thign with coach carney. i told her i'd ask ben if he wants to, but he hasn't been on for me to ask him, so i dunno. i suspect we'dprolly choose not to go anyways, but i dunno. i figure track starts soon enough on monday, what's one day earlier gonna do to mae it any better.
so i watched peter pan with my parents while i painted a watercolor picture for english. i used it for the background for my haiku:
Bluebells sprout in a
field. Rain pours, rivulets flow down
to the sparkling sea.
it's not great, but hopefully she likes it and it'll do. it's not the funny one, but it is the more nature like one, and it had an easier picture to draw. i also worked on my speech stuff for monday. i'm doing my demonstration on self-defense, so i just describe and demonstarte so stuff from taekwondo, the one step and grab defense stuff, i thre in some wrist locks too since that's my favorite thing next to forms. it should be good. and i even get to get jill out of class to be my partner. it'll be fun.
so..wow, that was long. i guess i just got a little carried away. had a lot to talk about, ehn. so, i get to see ben tomorrow. kinda sad i didn't really get to talk to him tonight, but hey, what're gonna do? now i need to get some sleep, so ciao!
i went to ben's after school and we watched i robot. i feel special because i analyzed the movie. the whole thing was an allegory to communisma dn the russian revolution. there was the red army. there was the czar. there were the rebels. there was even lenin, stalin, and some leninistic quotes. ben helped me with the finer details because he knows a lot more about communism and the russian revolution than i. but i pointed it out and started analyzing. *happydance*
i went to taekwondo after dinner at ben's. friday's are school shirt day, so i wore my SMAA shirt instead of my gi top. it was nice. not all the sweatyness and grossness, well, not as much anyways. we worked on forms, and i learned my new self-defense numbers. i helped jill with learning kibon 3. all in all, it was a really good work out.
then i went back to ben's house and we started wataching little black book. we got maybe halfway through, but it was really boring and altogether too dramaish. so we switched to comedy central, then to csi. it was the episode about vampires. i'd herad about, but never seen it. i never watch csi except when i'm over there. in fact...i think i rarely ever watch anything except when i'm over there. i occasionally watch a movie with my parents, but that's about it. so anyways, i got home about 12:30, 12:45. Appareantly when i told my parents i wouldn't be home terribly late, they misinterpretted that as meaning i'd be home early. i got home about the same time i always get home on weekends. i don't see what the big deal was. oh well, they didn't yell a me, just sounded kinda miffed with maybe a little disappointment. i'm not to worried over it.
this morning we went up to OSU for bio sci day. driving up there was horrible. the roads were just one big sheet of ice. we literally saw an accident or a car in the ditch every 100 yards for a long ways. one car even crashed into a car dealership. talk about bad luck and never being able to afford your insurance again. anyways, the actual program was really boring. me and claudia ditched after the first sitting. we explored campus. we went into larkins hall, and the kukki taekwondo club i want to join was testing for belts today. so we watched that for a little while. it looked good. i'll still do some looking around once i start, but it looked good. we went in the library and the student union and into a shop with clothes and supplies and textbooks. then we went into some bio building looking for our parents and kinda looked around in there. when we found them again we went to the insect lab and got to hold these freaky austrailian praying mantis'. they were so cool. we also looked at tarantulas and scorpians and hissing cockroaches. then we went to the greenhouse and saw some exotic plants. that was cool. overall the day for claudia and i make us realize we don't really want to major in bio. dad says i should, and should trying doubleing in german. i guess i'll go ahead and start out that way, but i'm not sure if i'll last. i'm worried about the chem. but everyone we've alked to tsay just take the regualr level course and stick it out, and you'll get through it. people say that the first 2 years are hard, and after that all your electives open up and the classes get easier. so i'll give it a try.
when i got home i called ben to see if he wanted to come over, but he couldn't because of the little cousins at his house. some we're going to hang out tomorrow when he's done with church. mom wanted to know if we wanted to go polevaulting tomorrow at the clinic thign with coach carney. i told her i'd ask ben if he wants to, but he hasn't been on for me to ask him, so i dunno. i suspect we'dprolly choose not to go anyways, but i dunno. i figure track starts soon enough on monday, what's one day earlier gonna do to mae it any better.
so i watched peter pan with my parents while i painted a watercolor picture for english. i used it for the background for my haiku:
Bluebells sprout in a
field. Rain pours, rivulets flow down
to the sparkling sea.
it's not great, but hopefully she likes it and it'll do. it's not the funny one, but it is the more nature like one, and it had an easier picture to draw. i also worked on my speech stuff for monday. i'm doing my demonstration on self-defense, so i just describe and demonstarte so stuff from taekwondo, the one step and grab defense stuff, i thre in some wrist locks too since that's my favorite thing next to forms. it should be good. and i even get to get jill out of class to be my partner. it'll be fun.
so..wow, that was long. i guess i just got a little carried away. had a lot to talk about, ehn. so, i get to see ben tomorrow. kinda sad i didn't really get to talk to him tonight, but hey, what're gonna do? now i need to get some sleep, so ciao!
