To drink or not to drink...

i don't really want to go drink, but i don't want to be alone. All my roommates except Nicole are gone tonight, and she's out drinking and won't be back until late. They're just down the hall getting smashed. And I know that I'm welcome to come too. I didn't go, and I don't really want to, but now I'm all alone. And now Ben's mad at me because he thinks I want to. I don't. In fact, the whole reason I brought it up with him is because I wanted him to say not to, to say that I shouldn't go. You know, so that'd I'd know he'd care about my well-being, but he just said do what you want. I want to know he cares. I want to know someone cares dammit! I'm having those urges again right now and I'm fighting them with all my heart and crying and I feel horrible because Ben was already having a bad day and now I made it worse because I'm so fucking selfish. I hate myself! Now I feel like it's not gonna work. We're not gonna make it like we promised we would. All I am is bad for him. And I hate it, I hate myself for it! I can't stand it. And there's no one to talk to. Everyone is gone. People are at the football game, or out at party, or off drinking, and Mom and Dad are down at Lake Cumberland. And Ben probably hates me now. I sure do... I kinda want to lay down and die. No ones cares what I do anyways. I wish I had someone to talk to, I wish I had something to occupy me, something to distract me and take my mind off things. I would meditate and pray to Artemis for help, but I can't even do that right now. I'm such a mess.