life sucks

[skylark913]

today was absolutely crappy. drama blew up again into a big fight. multiple alpha people in the room doesn't work. brad, alexis, joanna, emily, molly. it's just bad. i started shaking, and Q suggested we leave the room. i thought i could handle it. and i did all the way through drama. but then friedmann yelled in deutsch and i just lost it. i pretty much ran out the room and told him i was going to the bathroom. iu came back like 10 or 15 minutes later. i thought i had control of myself. i did until he confronted me and asked if it was something he did. i shook my head, but he prompted me again. i said no kinda all choked up like and then put my head into my arms. i'd lost it again. i did eventually regain control of myself. but i remained in a pretty horrible and pissy mood until track. even then i wasn't in a good mood until that was over and i sat and talked and joked with Gimpy and Ben. i get home and read through my housing stuff which came in today. then, when dad gets home, and we're all sitting at the table together, not eating, b/c we don't have family dinners, mom brings up every scar on my body. she's all "i work at a school. i'm not mad. just talk to me. tell me what's going on." fine, she wasn't mad, but you could see the disappointment in her eyes. that just amkes it all worse. i've been afraid that i'm relapsing, and now i almost feel like i have no reason to fight it. i know i should, but i just don't care anymore. about anything. nothing seems worth it. yesterday i also talked to mom. i tol dher how i hate conflict and how i'm too damn empathetic. i broke down in tears then too. she says i need to talk to kathy about that. i talked to mrs. v. yesterday too. she was really worried about me, but she's really proud of me for telling her and weill and kathy. she just says i can't say anything to officer rod unless i'm absolutely sure i want legal action to take place, b/c he's required to act on that information and stuff. i just don't like conflict. i don't want ot make things any worse. if i do eventually that's okay too. you get 20 years in the state of ohio to charge someone with that. weill was real worried about me too. i told her b/c i had a lot of questions about my paper, and if i should turn it in or not. she got real worried and answered my questions and did some reserch and encouraged me to talk to more people and report it. i'm glad i have people i trust enough to talk to, kids and adults. i really hope i start getting better, feeling better, start being able to regulate feelings, stop bad habits, and find myself and my courage. that's all for now, sorry for hte rant, ciao!

Comments

[french-kissed87.livejournal.com]

Wishing you the best of Karma on whatever you decide to do. I hope everything works out for you-sounds like there is alot of stress in your life, but I'm sure that things will work out and all will be great in the end. You sound like you have some people here and there that really care for you-lean on them when times are tough-that's what friends are for aren't they?

Cheer up & Chin up!!!!